The NY Times reported on April 24: “President Bush said today that Iraqi officials and scientists had provided the United States with information that Saddam Hussein may have destroyed or dispersed chemical and biological weapons before the war, suggesting that the search for proof of an Iraqi weapons program could be a long one.”

In a private off-the-record exclusive follow-up interview with the Cambridge Chronicle, President Bush provided further details: “We believe now that Saddam destroyed the WMDs before the war. But not SO long before the war that their destruction counts as fulfilling the UN inspection requirements. Hence we are seeking proof that Saddam destroyed his WMDs in that one week AFTER the UN inspectors left and BEFORE we invaded. We will use ultramodern carbon-dating techniques on the destroyed WMD dust to substantiate the date to the nearest year, which our loyal patriotic analysts will extrapolate to that one critical week. Ultramodern carbon-dating works very well on WMD dust, I hear.”

Secy. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld clarified that the US need not find WMDs: “Well, yes, we DID claim as the main reason for war that Saddam had WMDs that he would immediately use against the rest of the world, and that claim is pretty much proven utterly false now. But we NOW claim as an ante-bellum causa belli that it’s enough reason to go to war if Saddam was THINKING about WMDs, which we call ‘thoughtcrime.’ Saddam was SO dangerous that even THINKING about them was a national security threat.” When asked for details about what sort of national security threat thoughts of WMDs might entail, Rumsfeld replied, “I can’t comment on that because it touches on areas of national security.”

Your Cambridge Chronicle reporter queried further: “Is there any actual proof that Saddam was even THINKING about WMDs, since that is our new reason to have gone to war?”

Rumsfeld: “Oh, yes, we have evidence that Saddam was in material breach of thoughtcrime. Why, just last week, we arrested a miner!”

Chronicle: “A miner?”

Rumsfeld: “Yes, don’t you see? Saddam would need miners to dig up aluminum, from which he could construct high-speed centrifuge tubes to purify uranium to weapons-grade quality, since we caught him importing aluminum tubes already! So no more aluminum tubes imported in that critical one-week period -- hence the miners are now the key!”

Chronicle: “The CIA World Factbook here says that there are no aluminum deposits anywhere in Iraq.”

Rumsfeld: “I can’t comment on that because it touches on areas of national security.”

Returning to the President, your Cambridge Chronicle reporter asked: “What about chemical and biological weapons?”

Bush: “We are proud to report that we have found a bacterium.”

Chronicle: “Just one?”

Bush: “Saddam could grow more from just one. But yes, we found just one -- it was very small. We’ve been looking VERY thoroughly. And it was a very nasty bacterium. We think it could have been weaponized very readily, with nothing but five Nobel-laureate level research scientists working at a top-flight biological lab for several years. Which as you can estimate yourself, means Saddam could have used this bacterium as a WMD almost immediately, hence further justifying our pre-emptive invasion.”

Chronicle: “And have you found any evidence of labs or scientists?”

Bush: “No. But we did catch the Eight of Spades yesterday. So clearly Saddam was Evil, and was thinking about planning to prepare a process for producing precursors to WMDs.”

While on the phone with President Bush, your Cambridge Chronicle reporter’s Call Waiting showed that O.J. Simpson was calling, so the President was put on hold.

Chronicle: “Hey, O.J., what are you doing these days?”

O.J.: “I’m seeking the real killer of Nicole. I’ve been looking VERY thoroughly. But you know, the real killer may have destroyed or dispersed the evidence, suggesting that the search for proof could be a long one. My search for proof has gone on for several years now, as you know.”

Chronicle: “Can you share your evidence with us?”

O.J.: “I can’t comment on that because it touches on areas of trial security.”

Switching the Call Waiting back to President Bush, your Cambridge Chronicle reporter noted, “I’ve got O.J. Simpson on the other line suggesting that the search for proof could be a long one, because of destroyed and dispersed evidence.”

Bush: “Oh, you mean O.J. agrees with us that it will probably take a long time to prove that Saddam had WMDs?”

Chronicle: “No, he’s looking for proof of Nicole’s real killer.”

Bush: “Well, let’s wish him godspeed -- we can all agree on that, right?”

Chronicle: “Yes, his search for proof might be the only search longer than ours.”


This article went unpublished because Attorney General John Ashcroft determined that it breached the PATRIOT Act's restriction on White House privacy. We publish it here at great risk to ourselves and to our country.